I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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