True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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