if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
