i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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