sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
