okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
