i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize