I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
