so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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