mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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