the condom got lost in my hair
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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