Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
