When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I touched a dick in church today
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
