I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize