I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
