i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
