my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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