so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
