Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
