you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
