apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
