omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
