bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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