you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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