Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
