I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
