I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
