I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
