I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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