I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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