3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I wannas sexs uuuuu
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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