Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
