Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
