Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
