I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Randomize
