it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
