i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
