Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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