Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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