i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize