Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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