I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
should my penis look like a turkey
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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