there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
They have beer where we have blood.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Drunk is not a location!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
