There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
