and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize