textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
