Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
