Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I think I won the penis lottery.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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