I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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