ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize