New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
