this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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