rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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