I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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