My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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