I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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