he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
tonight lets celebrate not being married
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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