i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You are the jesus of drinking
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
