Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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