Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
