More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize