Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
