you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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