I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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